


Need

by JustAnotherUnderstudy



Series: This Should Totally Be A Thing [14]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Age Difference, Canon Divergence - Skyfall, During Skyfall, F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Heavy Angst, Inspired by Skyfall, Light Angst, Movie: Skyfall (2012), Older Woman/Younger Man, Resolved Sexual Tension, Resurrection, Spoilers for Skyfall, Tanner ships it, Unresolved Sexual Tension, scratch that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2018-11-16 16:51:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherUnderstudy/pseuds/JustAnotherUnderstudy
Summary: She just has to say it. Just one thing and that will make all the difference to him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is, er, was just a short story of how both James and I think things should have actually happened in M's flat when he returned at the beginning of Skyfall.
> 
> Really, seriously. I know it's what James was thinking. You can see it in his face. :D

"I guess that's it. We're both played out."

"If you believe that why did you come back?"

"Good question."

He couldn't say it, couldn't give her the reason. She had to say it. If she didn't, he couldn't act.

She nodded as if she knew what he was thinking and James unconsciously held his breath.

"Because we're under attack. And you know we need you."

He stared at her a moment as he struggled with his thoughts.

Those weren't the words he wanted to hear. That wasn't the reason. Not "we."

Her words from years ago echoed in his mind,

_"Bond, I need you back."_

It was all he'd needed to hear then, though he'd had no idea why. He'd been too young, and too hurt.

He hadn't truly understood why her words had bound him to MI6 when any other man would have walked away. Not until he'd seen that explosion on the television screen and had known she might have been killed, then it became clear. All the pieces fell into place in one instant and he didn't think twice about returning. He would either find her alive and serve her, or he'd avenge her.

But "we" was not the reason he was here.

She seemed so certain. She always was. So confident in her knowledge of him, that he almost wanted to acquiesce.

He should shrug and say, "Well, I'm here."

It would be acceptable. It's what she expected.

"No."

For the first time he was certain he saw true surprise on her face.

"What do you mean, 'no?'"

"No, I didn't come back because MI6 needs me."

From the look on her face it was apparent to Bond that she had no idea. And, really, could he blame her after what he'd just done to her? He'd abandoned her in her time of need. What more could she expect of him than a returning errant agent?

He wanted to start with "I'm sorry" but he was too stubborn for that, they both were. Apologies were for weaknesses and neither could afford any weakness.

He could go around the back way, explain to her what he'd felt when he'd thought she was dead. Ease her into the idea.

And while that might be her way, it sure as hell wasn't his.

"I came back because _you_ need me."

First she was startled and James was almost terrified he'd gone too far when he could actually read her face and almost tell what she was thinking.

Then she returned to her usual aloof attitude.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

He slowly walked around the table toward her. When she began to back away from him he had to stifle a smirk. She knew exactly what he was saying. Damn she was so good at playing him.

She had no idea what a turn on that was.

"You do know. You know what makes me tick, you know what motivates me. You've known longer than I have that you are the reason for my motivation. It's not honor or duty or any moral sensibility that keeps me, it's you."

The couch stopped her retreat.

"Bond, you can't do this."

"Do what? I'm just talking with you."

He stopped two feet away. He wanted to be closer but he didn't want to push his luck just yet.

"What do you want?"

Though she had backed away from him, the look on her face was neither fear nor concern.

"You know what I want. You always do. Nobody knows me better."

He took a step closer. She stood defiantly before him as if in a dare to do exactly what she thought he wanted.

It took him mere seconds to make his decision. Then he lifted her chin as he stepped into her and pressed his lips to hers.

He was gratified when she responded, her warm lips moving slowly against his, her hands reaching up to grip his arms. But when he tried to deepen the kiss she pulled away.

"No, we can't do this now."

James took a deep breath before he caught onto her words.

"Now?"

She didn't reply.

"Why not now?"

She only shook her head.

"Is this about the bombing? Do you know who was behind it?"

"James, please. That's enough."

She wouldn't look at him so he leaned down to see her eyes and force her.

"I want to help. You can trust me."

She straightened and looked up at him, there was a flash in her eyes that felt like a slap to his face.

"Can I?"

Her sharp tone cut through his pride and he instantly saw how insincere his words must seem. His shoulders slumped and he sighed in defeat. She'd won again, and for good reason.

He stepped back and turned to head for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

"Bond."

Her voice was quiet and full of some sort of soft emotion and it made him stop and turn back to her.

She looked at him with regret.

"We've sold your flat. Put your things in storage."

He just stared at her as he processed her words.

"Standard procedure on the death of an unmarried employee with no next of kin."

She looked at him and waited for a response.

Finally, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I'll get a hotel then."

He turned to make to leave again, and again her voice stopped him.

"What hotel would have you in your condition?"

He stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes. This night was getting worse with every passing second.

"Besides, your assets are all frozen."

He turned back again.

"I do have accounts MI6 doesn't know about."

Her lips curled slightly and she nodded her approval. And, god, how that one small act made his heart beat faster. Why was that so important to him? Sometimes he felt so foolish, as if he was a school boy hoping for a pat on the head from the headmistress.

"Good."

The tone of her voice told him he was finally dismissed. He walked out into the hall and was almost to the door when he heard her behind him.

"Bond."

James inwardly groaned. Why couldn't he just leave? He needed to get away from her. She didn't trust him and that, to him, was enough to make it difficult just to be in the same room with her.

"You can take the guest room."

He turned back, both sure and unsure he'd understood her. But she had begun to walk up the stairs so he followed her.

She opened the first door off the top of the stairs to reveal a bedroom with a queen-sized bed, a bureau, a small secretary desk with a chair, and two doors. One was presumably a closet. M crossed the room to open the other and reveal an in suite.

"There are towels in the cabinet under the sink and soaps in the shower. Do make use of them."

The look she gave him as she spoke told him exactly how unpleased she was with his appearance.

"There's a laundry off the kitchen downstairs. Wash up your clothes when you're done."

She was walking out the bedroom door when she paused and added: "I haven't any men's nightwear but a man like you probably doesn't have any problem sleeping nude."

Fortunately she wasn't looking at him when she said the words. James wasn't sure he wanted to see the look on her face when she said it. He didn't think it would be the wanton look he desired.

"Goodnight, M. And thanks."

She only nodded and pulled the door shut behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little breakfast conversation...and maybe something more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed a mid-week pick me up so I did some writing and polished up the second chapter of this story. I had planned for three chapters but now that I'm moving along, it's looking like at least four, possibly five. I don't plan on completely rewriting Skyfall, but I might change a few minor things if I need to for the story.

The pan sizzled as James poured the batter for the crepes. He'd mixed the filling, had bacon frying and toast going already. The water was ready for tea and if M didn't make an appearance soon he'd have to go up and wake her.

He took a deep breath and pushed down the desire that began to stir at the thought of seeing her asleep in her bed.

He'd fucked up too much this time. Abandoned her, showed up drunk in her flat, then tried to convince her of a truth he'd only just realized.

Stupid.

"I'm not used to all this ruckus."

James jumped slightly, then flushed in embarrassment at being caught in an unguarded moment.

When he turned to her she tilted her head and shook it.

"Quite alright, James. It's good to have one place you don't need to be constantly on guard."

That surprised him.

"I was married 30 years, you know. It was usually a nice break from the office."

He could only nod and turn back to his crepes and try not to consider how beautiful she was even in a simple blouse and slacks and house slippers. Her lack of makeup did nothing to make him think her less than what he wanted.

Damn, he was so stupid.

"This is quite the setting. I haven't had a breakfast like this at home since my husband died."

James took note that she'd now mentioned her late husband twice. He wasn't sure what she meant by that. Was she trying to remind him that she'd had someone once who'd shown her he loved her and that James was sorely lacking?

It didn't matter.

"I'm glad to see you took advantage of the shower and laundry."

He heard her pull a chair out to sit as she spoke.

"Even had a shave. Much better than that scruffy looking thing you were when you violated my space last night."

James focused on the breakfast. Slide the crepe onto the plate. Spoon the filling. Roll. Pour on the lingonberry sauce. Add the bacon, the toast. Set it on the table before her.

But don't think about the word "violated."

He sat down at the setting he'd placed next to hers and second guessed himself. It was a small, round kitchen table. He should have sat across from her, given her more space.

_ Violated. _

For all of five seconds he wished he had died when she'd had him shot. At least then she'd never have thought he violated her in any way.

"James, this looks wonderful. Should I worry how you know all my favorite breakfast food?"

He stared at her without comprehension for a moment. 

She'd pick up the tea pot and was pouring some into his cup. He hadn't heard her prepare it at all. He was slipping.

"I, uh, just noticed over the years."

She set the pot back down on the table and poured a bit of cream into hers before handing it and the sugar to him.

He spooned in a teaspoon of sugar and poured some cream and it dawned on him she'd left enough room in his cup for the amount of cream he usually had...and she'd passed it with the sugar without request.

He looked back up at her but she was already cutting the crepe and taking her first bite.

"Very good."

She smiled as she swallowed down the first bite.

He wasn't sure what to make of what she'd said and done so far this morning. Their conversations had never been straight forward. There was always more said between the lines than on them.

But there could be no mistake about the word "violated."

"I'm sorry."

He wasn't used to sincerely saying those words and they came out more strangled than he intended.

Next to him, M paused then took a sip of tea.

"What for?"

_ Oh, god, so many things. For pretending I was dead. For not realizing before this week everything you mean to me. _

"For violating your space."

There was another pause, but this one was filled with meaning as he waited for her response.

She was silent and in a moment he realized she was looking at him. He returned her gaze and her eyes locked with his. He felt as if he couldn't look away, had to stand, as it were, under her scrutiny or he'd fail her.

Finally she nodded and said a soft "thank you."

They ate in silence for a long while after that. When James finished his first cup of tea, M refilled it, but when he finished the second, she didn't.

He never took more than two cups with breakfast. He hadn't been the only one observing over the years.

Finally, he thought it best to open a discussion on one of the things that had kept him up most of the night.

"You sold my flat."

"Yes."

"But you put my things in storage and froze my assets."

No response.

M seemed to be reading her tea leaves judging by the intense look she was giving the cup in her hand.

"How long have you known I was alive?"

She took a deep breath and set down her cup.

"I heard rumors the third week which I had confirmed by the end of the fourth."

"Rumors?"

"Of an Englishman in a small village in Turkey with a propensity for drink and a lust for beautiful, young women."

He couldn't withstand her look this time and averted his eyes to his plate.

She reached over and set a key in front of him.

"The address is on the key tab. Whenever you find a new place you'll at least have that."

He wanted to thank her. He wanted to throw himself onto his knees and beg her forgiveness.

He reached over and took the key and put it in his pocket silently, not trusting himself to say another word.

M finished her tea and Bond finished the last of his breakfast and found his nerve.

"You know who bombed your office."

"Yes."

James was surprised. He thought he'd have to work harder at convincing her to tell him and even then he didn't think she would.

"I believe it was someone I used to know. He worked for MI6 years ago."

She didn't pause her story as she poured herself yet another cup of tea. Her fourth. She usually only had three at the most.

"His name was Tiago Rodriguez. He worked for me in Hong Kong. He was a brilliant young agent. Handsome, cunning, proud, vain. He was always vying for my attention, doing things right or wrong so I'd praise him or rip strips from him."

James felt his palms grow wet with nerves. It sounded too familiar.

"He was also narcissistic and sadistic."

M took a drink of her tea and continued as if she was in normal conversation. Or maybe James was just used to briefings and assumed she'd speak differently at home.

"He looked good on paper, though. Got the results we wanted. So HQ asked for my opinion on putting him in the 00 program.

"My words were not flattering and M requested I return to England for a face to face meeting.

"They'd done a bit more digging and come up with everything I'd left out of my report. Namely his obsession with..."

She paused and took a longer drink. James was certain he knew what she'd say but that she hadn't without delay was unlike her. She was more the "rip the bandage off" type, when faced with something like this.

She nodded her head as if she'd read his thoughts.

"Yes, with me. He had a mother kink, as I suppose it's called these days. And M asked me to get closer to him."

"No!"

James startled M and she looked at him crossly.

"You weren't a trained agent. How could they ask that of you?"

Her look grew cold.

"I will not ask my people to do what I would refuse to do if I could myself."

"Wasn't there someone else?"

It was all in the past and it hardly mattered but to James the shock of what M had been forced to do was too much. He had this picture of her in his mind and her submitting to some sadistic bastard's sexual fantasies was so far out of that picture he didn't even want to think about it.

"Bond, really. This is impetuous even for you. What's done is done."

James sat back in this chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

"They should have asked someone else."

He knew his mumbled words were not appreciated by M when she sighed. But when she spoke again her tone was not chastising.

"It's fine, James. I did get therapy when it was all over. I'm fine."

James grunted.

"He's apparently not. You know, if you'd told me I could have killed him for you. That would have taken care of all t his."

"I thought he was dead."

James gave her a confused look and she continued her story.

"Less than a year after it all started, he decided to show off by hacking the Chinese. I suppose he thought I'd turn a blind eye."

"Because of your relationship."

She nodded.

"He really thought he had the upper hand."

M finished her tea then set it and the saucer on her breakfast plate.

"I traded him to the Chinese for six good agents. Six months later I heard he'd died in prison."

She gave him a hard look, as if he might question her decision.

"Six good agents and a smooth transition."

"And your promotion."

He didn't mean it disrespectfully. But from the look on her face and the tone of her voice that's how she took it.

"Yes. I'd say I got the better end of the deal."

She stood and carried her plates to the sink.

Now she was angry with him again. Could he not make her happy for more than one hour?

But that was the least of his concerns at the moment. This Tiago fellow sounded a little too familiar. He sounded more like James than he wanted to admit. No wonder she was angry. Here he was, young, brilliant, full of himself. He hadn't hacked a foreign government but he had hacked her personal file. He'd broken into her flat, twice now. He was always vying for her attention, though until a few days ago he couldn't have admitted to himself why. And worst of all wanted her. God, he all but forced himself on her last night.

_ Violated. _

This was why she'd pushed him away the previous night. She was thinking of Tiago. The fear he'd seen on her face when she'd turned toward his shadow in the dark room...she'd thought Tiago had been waiting for her.

James wasn't a self-loathing man. But at this moment he utterly hated himself. This woman had driven him to heights in his career no one could have foreseen. At his age, as many years as he'd been a 00, he should be dead for real.

And he repaid her by becoming someone she feared.

But...

"That's not what this is."

"Excuse me."

"What I feel for you, it's not..."

The words caught in his throat.

She was silent behind him.

He finished in a whisper.

"It's real. It's not because I think of you like a mother and have some sort of twisted fetish."

He heard her move quickly back to the table and he prepared himself for a verbal lashing.

"No, Bond. You are not him. You are nothing at all like him."

She stopped and he dared a look up at her.

She stood behind her chair, gripping the back forcefully. Her eyes flashed with fury, though not at him. Still, it made her beautiful.

"You are not like him. If you were you wouldn't be here."

The tone she used made James wonder if she meant he wouldn't be here in her flat or he wouldn't still be breathing.

She visibly shook herself before releasing the chair. And when she spoke again her voice had returned to normal with no hint of agitation.

"Now, if you don't mind, I normally have a shower first thing. I'm not used to this sort of treatment."

He nodded because he could see no reason to keep her.

"I'll take care of the dishes."

He stood to collect his plates.

"Thank you, James"

"You're welcome, ma'am."

She went upstairs and James busied himself with rinsing the dishes and loading them into the dishwasher.

It was a few moments before he realized he'd never heard her bedroom door shut, and this time he'd been listening for it.

A chill ran down his spine, especially when he realized he'd left his gun upstairs. He had seen one in a drawer in the end table in her living room when he'd been bored waiting for her yesterday so he made his way quietly over. He retrieved it and took the stairs slowly. He slowed more once he could see down the hallway into her room.

He could hear water running in the shower in the en suite. His pulse was racing. Why were the doors open? Had someone been here and neither noticed?

When he reached to top of the stairs he stepped into his room to check for his gun. It was under the pillow where he'd left it. He picked it up and slid M's small revolver in his back waistband. Checking that the hallway was clear he cautiously made his way toward M's room. He found it empty but the water for the shower was still running.

Slowly he made his way to the door and peeked inside. He could make out M behind the frosted glass door. She was alone. There was no one else in the room. He quietly turned and walked over to check the walk-in closet. When he cleared that he went through the rest of the upstairs rooms before heading back downstairs to check all those.

By the time he'd cleared the downstairs he heard the hair dryer running and he slowly climbed the stairs to return to his room.

He dropped both guns onto the bed then sat on the edge and held his head in his hands.

Now that the adrenaline rush was wearing off he was having difficulty forcing the image of M naked behind the glass of her shower door from his mind.

What the hell was that whole thing even about? She must have left the doors open. Was it force of habit? Normally she was alone in the house. She might have forgotten.

He listened carefully for her movements so to be sure he heard when she made her way to the stairs.

"Was that a test?"

He called to her as she walked past his open door.

He heard her turn and walk into the room then she was before him. He flinched when her hand touched his face to lift it to look at her.

Her eyes had that wanton look he'd longed for last night.

"Perhaps it was an invitation."

He groaned audibly as he fought the pain of his desire.

"Please don't."

His voice was a whisper as he begged her.

"I thought this was what you wanted."

She stepped between his legs and James found it hard to catch his breath.

"I only want it if you do."

He was barely hanging on to his control and his voice sounded more of a whine than James was sure he'd made since he was a child.

"I want it."

Then her lips were on his.

James recalled his first real kiss when he was 14 and how his body felt as if it was floating away. His head had been dizzy and when the kiss had ended he had been surprised to find his feet still on the ground in the same spot they had been.

This was just like it. His head felt light and his body felt flushed. He felt awkward and gangly and wasn't entirely sure what to do with his hands so he rested them on her hips. She sighed against his mouth and he deepened the kiss.

Oh, god, this was happening and he wasn't going to stop it. He wanted this, needed her, more than anything ever in his life.

She tasted of the mint of her mouthwash and smelled of lavender. He knew the smell from a soap she used sometimes and he began to think of the other times he'd smelled it on her and how in god's name had he never known how much he'd wanted her? Because right now he felt as if a dam was bursting, that long years of pent up desire were seeping out the cracks before the whole thing came down. Once that happened James knew he could never turn back. Nothing would ever go back to what it had been. He would never be able to let this go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that was a mean place to end it. Don't worry, much more kissing, etc, in the next chapter. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little less talk and a lot more action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! An update. I've been working on this chapter for weeks. School takes up a lot of time, but it's all good. I hope you enjoy. And if you're in America, Happy Thanksgiving.

James pulled M onto his lap then slowly lay them back on the bed. In his mind he was trying to figure out how to play this. Normally, he'd just take what he wanted and be done with it. This wasn't normal at all. 

He slipped his hands up under her blouse to feel the smooth, soft skin. She flinched involuntarily and James hoped it was only because she was sensitive not because she thought he'd be turned off. She was older, he could feel the wrinkles even on her back. He was genuinely surprised that those meant nothing to him. It was as if, for the first time, his heart had taken the lead, instead of his libido. As he began to unbutton her blouse, he gave over to that new feeling.

Once he had her blouse undone, James rolled M over and opened her shirt to reveal her breasts. He glanced up in time to catch a flash of doubt across her face before she closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the pillow. James raised himself up over her and pressed his lips to her collarbone at the same time he pressed his arousal against her hip. He smiled when he felt M shudder beneath him.

He was half tempted to say something to her, the usual things a man would say, but he wasn't sure if that would be best considering the situation so he decided it would be best to show her everything he felt.

M moaned as James trailed kisses from her neck down her chest. Her breath hitched when he placed a lingering kiss in the valley between her breasts as he hand slipped around her back to unhook her bra. James pushed the loose garment up to reveal her large mounds. He took one nipple into his mouth and teased it into a hard pebble while his hand caressed the other. M's breaths were becoming ragged and the sound was making James harder than he ever thought he could be. 

Had any other woman ever made him feel like this so quickly? He couldn't think of one. How had he never realized his need until now? 

He moved his mouth to the other breast while his hands attempted to push M's blouse off her shoulders. She lifted herself slightly and helped him. It fell somewhere on the side of the bed. With the first piece of clothing removed, James raised himself off her and moved between her legs. He knelt there and reached up to pull the bra down M's arms. It fell by the wayside with the blouse. 

M's breaths were slow and controlled now, and James watched with pleasure as her chest rose and fell. He reached up and traced her breasts with his hands, then looked up at M.

He was about to say something about her beauty when he registered the look in her eyes. It wasn't the doubt he thought he'd glimpsed earlier, instead he saw the one thing he always wanted from her, trust. Now it was his turn for his breath to hitch. 

M sat up as he continued to look into her eyes.

"You next."

She began to unbutton his shirt while he gazed, captivated at her face. She trusted him. In particular, James realized she was now trusting him with her body, a pleasure he'd never expected, nor allowed himself to hope for.

When M pushed his shirt off, James shifted himself on the bed and drew her back into his lap. She pressed her groin against his hardness and smirked when he gasped and looked up at her with wonder.

She moved her pelvis slowly, back and forth, against him and James whimpered. Never had his need been so great, but never had he wanted things to move so slowly. This moment was just a reprieve, he knew. Once it was over, they'd go back to who they were. James didn't want to think about that, he just wanted to pretend for an hour that this was all there was.

He lifted M and lay her back down on the bed, his body pressed firmly against hers. She shuddered as he copied her movements against her sex and pressed his lips to hers. She opened to him and he delved his tongue inside, tasting her and using every means to promise her sexual bliss. 

James hummed against her lips as she scraped her nails lightly down his back. When M pushed her hands inside his pants to feel his arse, James gasped and pulled away. 

"Oh, god, that feels so good."

Everything she did, every touch, every kiss, had him teetering on the edge. The last woman he'd been with had been everything he always thought he wanted, but she could barely satisfy him. He only remembered her name because he was trained to do so. M's touch alone was nearly enough to make him come. If he had a hundred years to examine how he'd missed falling in love with her, it wouldn't be enough time.

In the midst of his pleasure, he hadn’t noticed M moving one hand to the front of his pants. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt her caress.

"Oh. Gaaawwwd."

James grit his teeth and began to pant as if he was running a marathon.

"M, I need...oh, god, please."

"I think you can call me Olivia now, James."

There was a tightening in his chest and an immediate lessening of his arousal. 

He couldn't. He couldn't call her that. That man would have, and James did not want her to associate him with that man.

M slipped her hand out of his pants and pushed him onto his back beside her. He closed his eyes, afraid he'd ruined everything. Her lip pressed to his temple and he heard her whisper.

"It's OK. He never called me by my name."

Her words slowly registered with him.

"Never? What did he call you?"

She wasn't M then so James couldn't figure out right away what else that man would have called her.

M pulled away and looked into his eyes. The look he'd thought was doubt earlier had returned and he realized it wasn't doubt at all, but sadness. Then it hit him.

"God, no." 

He mumbled the words then pulled down to press his lips against hers. The thought of that man touching her like this all the while calling her 'mother' made him sick to his stomach. James thought of all those times early on after he met her when he'd underestimated her or thought she couldn't possibly understand what it was like out in the field because she wasn't a trained agent.

"I'm sorry."

He pushed her to her side and lay next to her, tracing her beautiful face.

"It's not your fault."

"Not about that. About ever thinking you couldn't understand, that you didn't really know how hard it was to do my job."

He wanted to tell her right now, tell her how deeply he loved her, but something in her eyes stopped him. 

"It's alright, James. As I said, it's all in the past."

She leaned over to kiss him then pushed him back onto his back and slowly traced circles down his chest, lingering on his nipples, then his abdomen, until she reached the edge of his trousers. James was hard as a rock again as she opened the button and slid down the zipper.

Instead of tugging his pants off, M leaned over him and placed a gentle kiss, first on his shoulder where there were still scars from the shrapnel. Shrapnel that was still embedded in the flesh. Then the other wounds until she finally moved her lips to the other fresh one. She hesitated and James could feel goose flesh bump up on his skin as she breathed out slowly against it. Finally, she pressed a lingering kiss to the site. James stroked her hair.

"It's all in the past."

He paused only a few seconds.

"Olivia."

Saying her name was like breathing a prayer. When she looked up at him, her need was so raw, as if, she too, had longed for this. 

They returned to their petting and kissing and finally divulged each other of their pants and underwear. James gazed at Olivia's body with awe and amazement. She smiled at him and James thought it the most lovely thing. She'd rarely given him a smile before and he wished he had time to get used to it.

He pressed his hand against the hot flesh between her legs and was rewarded with a guttural moan. When he opened the flesh to slide his finger down her middle, Olivia whimpered with need. James smirked and began to tease her clit until it was hard and Olivia was panting almost frantically. He slowly pressed one finger inside, then another, while his thumb did its work on her clit.

"James, yes."

Olivia gasped and grabbed at his hand and she began to buck against it in earnest. James almost couldn't believe he was making her come undone like this. It was better than a dream.

James watched her, mesmerized by the look of pleasure on her face and hypnotized by the sounds she made. Pleading and begging she finally came in his hand. He stilled his hand and gently caressed her outer folds with his thumb as she came back down from her high.

She turned to look at him as he eased his hand from her. Her eyes were glazed over in an oragsmic haze and James knew he needed to get into her soon.

He forced himself to slowly press his lips against her neck. With any other woman he’d probably already be inside her, chasing his own needs with little thought to what she might want. But it had been two years since Olivia’s husband had died and he hadn’t noticed any boyfriends. He was only now aware he’d been paying attention to that. He didn’t want this to be uncomfortable or painful. He had this one moment to prove everything to her and he was going to make sure he did.

James was getting lost in the feel of her body beneath his and the taste of her skin as he trailed lightly biting kisses across her collar bone before he lowered them to her breasts. The way she moaned and the way she sighed when she said his name was creating feelings he never thought he could have. 

“James, please.”

He was teasing one nipple with his lips and teeth and the other with his hand, but her words halted him. He found himself panting and he looked up at her with such need that it seemed to surprise her. 

She gently touched his face to encourage him to move back up to kiss her. 

“Please, James. I need you.”

Her voice was a faint whisper against his lips and James thought he’d better get a...

”Goddammit.”

He groaned and buried his face in her neck.

”What’s wrong. Forget you had a dental appointment today?”

He felt her shake beneath him as she chuckled. If he wasn’t so angry with himself it might have made him come.

”I don’t have any bloody condoms or lube.”

Olivia laughed harder at that and James roll off her and lay on his side.

”I fail to find the humor in this situation.”

She only laughed harder.

James groaned. He was almost in agony at the sound. He thought that maybe if she’d laughed more over the years he would certainly have noticed how aroused the beautiful sound made him.

”James, I have condoms in my room. In the drawer next to my bed. There’s some lube there as well.”

James thoughts were suddenly inundated with images of her with some other man. What if she’d acquired a lover while he was in hiding? God, he’d never asked. For some reason entirely unknown to him, this made a huge difference. If she was happily involved with someone else, James could not bring himself to ruin that for her.

”Olivia, is there someone else?”

”What do you mean?”

”I mean, are you involved with someone. I don’t want to inter...”

Olivia cut him off with a hard kiss.

”There’s no one else. I just...well, sometimes...”

Her voice trailed off as if she was somehow worried about how he’d take her answer. It took James a moment before it dawned on him that she was talking about using sex toys.

He gave her a cheeky grin and wiggled his eyebrows at her.

”Maybe I’ll have to bring that into play.”

Olivia smirked at him and James gasped then whimpered when she began to stroke his hard length.

”I don’t think you’d last long enough.”

James gritted his teeth and hissed out his reply.

”Fuck, no, I wouldn’t.”

He pulled Olivia’s hand off him and pulled her against him for a frantic kiss. He pulled away moments later, gasping for breath. 

“I’ll go get that, shall I?”

Olivia chuckled again.

”You have to stop that.”

James was barely holding it together.

”Does my laughter hurt your ego.”

Oh, god, now she was teasing him. That was almost worse.

”No, it makes me feel as if I’m going to explode in pleasure.”

Olivia gave him a surprised look, as if she’d been rendered speechless. James kissed her deeply then nearly ran from the room to hers. He opened the side drawer and found the condoms and lube. He took two condoms. Just in case, he reasoned.

When he returned, Olivia was staring at the ceiling and appeared to be lost in thought. He gently lowered himself onto the bed next to her and set the condoms and lube behind him. James reached over and began to trace a gentle line from her chin, down her neck and to her breasts. She took a deep, pleasured breath at his attentions and James leaned in and nipped her earlobe.

"James."

The whisper of his name was filled with such longing and it made James chest clench. He reached behind him and picked up on of the condoms and the lube. Olivia took the condom from him and he lay on his back so she could slide it on him. She straddled his thighs and slowly rolled out the rubber over the head of his cock. Then she leaned down and took his head into her mouth and began to suck him as she rolled the condom the rest of the way down his cock.

James let out a strangled moan and grabbed the sheets as if he was hanging on for his life. 

"Olivia, god, please, I can't hold on."

She lifted herself up and the haughty look was filled with a promise of later. James grabbed the lube and quickly prepared himself and grabbed her hips to pull her onto him.

"You sure?"

"What?"

Was he sure about what? That he wanted this with her? That he needed her like this? He would have thought it was incredibly obvious by now. 

"You want me on top?"

"Fuck, yes."

He pulled her down to him to kiss her lips roughly.

"I need to watch you, to see your pleasure, to see your face when you come, because, fuck, you are so beautiful when you do."

So many feelings flashed across her face and James realized that her trust for him ran deeper than he had ever imagined it could. She was always controlled, never letting anything show. For a moment he was taken back to their phone conversations after Vesper's deception had been discovered. He hadn't wanted her compassion then, but it had been there. He hadn't expected it, had expected another verbal lashing. God, he always underestimated her.

Olivia lowered herself onto his cock slowly. Her eyes were closed and her face told James of her pleasure. He raised his hands to her breasts as he watched her. As she took him all the way in, James held his breath and tried to keep control when all his nerves were demanding he begin thrusting up into her. 

She placed her hands on his chest as she began to rock on top of him and James lowered his hands to hips to gently guide her.

Slowly she increased her speed. James felt as if time had stopped as he watched her over him. Her face a mask of concentration as she pursued her pleasure, her breasts bobbing over him, occasionally brushing against his chest, the sounds of need they were both making all combining to make James feel as close to perfect as he thought was possible. 

The thoughts of their years together played in the back of his mind as the pleasure grew in its intensity. He could see all the moments and all the observations that made him slowly fall in love with this woman. God, he hoped that whenever they caught that man and this was all over, there would be more of this. James didn't think he could go back to how things had been before.

Olivia sped up and James gripped her hips tighter and began to thrust in time with her movements. He felt her inner muscles begging to flutter and heard her breath hitch just before she cried out his name. James thrust into hard only twice before he, too, went over the edge.

He vaguely registered Olivia laying on top of him. Her head on his chest just below his chin. If he’d ever been so wasted by sexual pleasure, he couldn’t remember. It was never like this, with anyone.

James’ awareness slowly returned, and with it the reality of what they might be up against. James lifted his head to kiss the top of hers as he drew lazy circles on her back. If they were going to have this conversation they might as well have it here in each other’s arms.

”How did you know it was him?”

Olivia sighed but made no move which was a relief to James. He wanted the intimacy to last as long as possible.

”Just before the explosion, someone tried to decrypt the hard drive and they used it to hack us. We traced it and it was coming from my computer. Before we could shut it down a crude graphic popped up and at the end the words 'Think on your sins' flashed across the screen. I knew immediately what it meant. I just couldn't believe it. I really had thought..."

She didn't finish her thought and James hated that he needed to do this now, but if they didn't get back to it he'd be tempted to keep her forever. His mind was already thinking of places he could hide her away and that man would never find him. In fact, he had a perfect spot. But she would never run, he knew that. She was stronger than he was.

"What do those words mean?"

She pushed herself up to look at him and James was glad to see no fear or worry in her eyes.

"That's what he said to me when they took him away, 'Think on your sins, mother.'"

She averted her eyes and James understood why. He rolled them over and kissed her slowly and gently. When he pulled away she smiled at him and touched his face.

"I do need you, James. You're my best. But you're going to have to be tested in order to be reinstated. I need you to take those tests seriously."

He nodded.

"I will."

Then he kissed her again, another long, slow kiss. When she finally stopped it James was already beginning to become aroused again.

"You're insatiable."

She laughed and James groaned.

"Stop, that just makes it all the worse."

She didn't, but she sat up then got off the bed. James watched her as she collected her clothes from around the room.

"I need to get to work today. You'll need to call Tanner from somewhere and have him bring you in."

James only grunted an assent as he stroked himself while taking in her naked body.

"Really, Bond, you're worse than a young man after his first time."

He smiled lustily at her.

"I feel like it was my first time."

She rolled her eyes and tossed her knickers at him.

"Then you should bloody well keep these."

Olivia laughed at his surprised look as she walked out of the room.

God, if he had only known all this about her...no, he was too stupid, he'd never have realized it. As he got into the shower, James chastised himself again for all the wasted time. 

By the time he got out and dressed himself, Olivia had already gone. He carried his bag downstairs and paused in the living room. Looking at the table he pondered something he hadn't last night as he had awaited her return, the stacks and stacks of papers. It had been a long time since he'd broken into her flat, in fact he'd never broken into this one. The old one, where she'd lived with her husband, was never like this. It wasn't just that this place was old-fashioned...a place your gran might live, it was that some of the rooms were cluttered with these papers. The night before, he'd only glanced at them. He knew they were from work. There was nothing top secret where he could see it, but it was all related to work. 

He wondered if that now that her husband was dead, was her whole life? It didn't seem right to him that, after devoting decades to MI6, she now had nothing outside. But what did he have? When he wasn't working, he was carousing. It wasn't as if he'd lived too much differently while he was in hiding than he did in any of his off-time. Too much drink, too many women, never a thought of what she might be doing.

He looked behind him at the door leading to the stairs and hesitated only seconds before he returned upstairs to her bedroom. He walked over to the writing desk he'd seen earlier and opened the top. There was paper and pens and envelopes. He took out a sheet with a pen and an envelope, then he sat down to begin to write.

When he was finished, he sealed it in the envelope and took it back to the guest bedroom. The sheets were a mess, and most of the bedding was on the floor now. He probably should clean it up for her, but he couldn't bring himself to wipe the evidence of their love-making away. Instead he set the letter between the pillows. Then he went downstairs, crept out the way he'd crept in and went to find a place far enough away to call Tanner from.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James wasn’t usually one to hope for the best in his personal life. Nothing ever went his way in that regard. And nothing has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update. Yay! Been writing for therapeutic reasons lately so thought I’d write a story as well.

"Just what the hell were you thinking?"

M was livid. She stood behind her desk, still in her makeshift office, and glared down at James who sat contritely in his chair.

"I told you, it was self-defense."

The excuse sounded lame and he knew she wasn't buying it.

"I never gave you an order to kill. You knew we wanted him alive."

No, not buying it at all.

"Do you not understand orders now? I suppose all that time boozing and fucking in Turkey made you even more deaf."

He didn't dare look at her now, though he wanted to. He wanted to give her a look that reminded her of their activities before he left on this mission. But her words warned him off. Maybe he'd be more bold if there wasn't a huge window right behind her. Maybe that's why she was still in this office, though Silva was dead.

"You're no use to me now. Get out of my sight for at least a fortnight, or when we contact you. Whichever comes last."

Bond winced at her words as she waved him off and out of the room.

"Ma'am," was all he said before standing to leave.

Outside, he paused for a breath. When he looked across the hall, he saw Tanner staring him down. That was fairly unusual behavior for the man so Bond walked over to him.

"Self-defense?" 

Tanner began to speak even before Bond could get his question out of his mouth.

"Yes."

Tanner didn't look like he believed him either.

"You understand why she's angry, don't you?"

Bond shook his head. He didn't entirely. He'd killed Silva, the hard-drive was recovered, he knew she wouldn't be happy about Silva but he hadn't expected this level of wrath.

"He killed eight of our people," Tanner explained, his voice quiet and soft as if he was explaining it to a child. "Eight families who needed justice, Bond."

Bond considered briefly that if there had been public justice, M's relationship with Silva would have come out. But as he thought on Tanner's words, he realized that she'd sacrifice even that for those other people. The world might learn of what had happened in Hong Kong all those years ago. She might face public shame and humiliation. But to her it would be the price to pay so the families of her employees could have that justice that might begin to bring closure.

"Bond!"

James startled and turned to source of the voice. He saw Mallory walking toward him, hand outstretched, an actual smile on his face.

"Good work," he told Bond as they shook hands. "The PM is talking commendations for you. I guess there is more to you that justifies M's faith in you."

"Thank you, sir," Bond replied dryly.

Mallory turned to Tanner who nodded at him.

"She's expecting you," he told Mallory who turned and entered M's office.

They watched the door shut and James turned back to Tanner.

"Commendations for you, eh?"

Tanner was not impressed.

He took a deep breath and continued.

"Commendations for you, and they're going to force her out."

He shook his head and turned back toward his office.

"What?" James started to follow him but Tanner turned back and stopped him just outside his office door.

"I believe you are on leave," Tanner said. "Please take it before I call security to show you out."

With that, Tanner entered his office and shut the door.

James knew that Tanner was loyal to M, but it had always been a quiet thing. He wasn't the type to voice his opinion, he didn't seem to feel it was his place. He served her in the same way they all did. Now they were forcing her out and James wondered if Tanner would stay or leave with her.

When James exited the building, he paused to allow his eyes to adjust to the light. He wasn't sure where he'd spend two weeks time, or longer. He hadn't had time to get a new flat before he'd left. He reached into his pocket for the key to the storage unit M had placed his belongings in and tried not to think about their conversation that morning in her flat. He definitely tried not to think about after the conversation in her flat.

Looking at the address, he saw it wasn't terribly far, so he turned to walk in that direction. When he arrived and opened the door, he found his DB5 in the center of the room, dusty, but no worse for wear. He opened the door and sat down in the driver's seat. In a moment he decided a drive might clear his head so he got out the key and started the car.

As he drove out of London, he wondered where he could go. He wanted to make sure it was some place she couldn't find him. While he now understood her anger, he had his own anger as well. It was obvious to him that whatever had happened between them was nothing to her. She didn't even offer him one bit of hope. And, while he had spent a lot of time thinking about a possible relationship with her while he was on his assignment, it seemed she was never even interested.

Worst of all, he felt foolish. How stupid he must seem to her, how weak. First, he hides and makes her think he's dead, then he fawns all over her like some love-sick puppy. But it was really the letter that made him feel the most shame. The time he'd taken to write out his feelings about everything she meant to him had been a waste. She'd have read it by now. He'd left it on the bed they'd shared. It must have made her laugh.

As he thought of the weeks following their time together, he realized there was one place she'd never look for him. He made a u-turn in the middle of the highway and headed north, toward Scotland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. About all I have for right now. But, like I said, I'm finding writing therapeutic again so hopefully I'll get to write some more soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If M had known he was alive and hiding out in Turkey for months before he'd returned, how, exactly, did he think he was going to be able to hide from her in Scotland?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd take a break between finals here and finish this chapter up and post it. I have another week of school before I have two weeks off. I hope I'll be able to finish this story...which really has gotten even longer than I thought it would. James and Olivia have a lot to discuss, I guess. :)

Three months later

If idle hands were truly the devil's tools, then it stood to reason that James had gotten into no trouble for three months now. He had no time. Upon arriving at his family's ancestral home, Skyfall, he set to work cleaning and refurbishing. He'd hired a few local men for the more intricate detailed work, but had done most of the rest alone, or with help from Kincaid.

James had been glad to see the old gameskeeper still about. While he hadn't dreaded the isolation being back at Skyfall would bring, he certainly wasn't averse to the man's camaraderie. It made the work lighter and kept him from getting too lost in his head.

He'd been disappointed that the temporary owners had begun to sell off some of his parents' things, like his father's gun collection, but that couldn't be helped. He had wondered, briefly, how the sale had been reversed and the money taken care of, but then he realized M might have started that as soon as he'd returned. That just made him angrier. Of course, any time he thought of her he could feel the rage build and he'd drop everything and go for a long walk. Kincaid seemed to know that he wanted no company so he never followed him, nor did he ask what it was about. That was a relief, as well. He didn't want to think about her, so he definitely didn't want to talk about her.

The call from Tanner, three months after James had been dismissed from M's office, was a surprise. He had begun to believe he would never hear from Six. Tanner wanted to come up to Skyfall, Q had apparently found him though James had not used a credit card at all. But he'd had the electricity turned back on and it had been assumed that he was there. It was just a social call, one night or two, so James agreed. Though he doubted the truthfulness of the social call. He expected that Tanner was bringing up paper work to dismiss him from service. M, his M, must still be in charge. If it had been a new M, James would have been forced to return to London. So, she didn't even want to see him to take away his license to kill. James tossed the phone on the kitchen table then slammed out the back door to take a walk toward the moors.

He couldn't think of a time when the pain had been so acute for so long. After his parents had died, he'd been shunted around. No one seemed to care about a little boys' grief and he'd stuffed it as deeply as he could. When Vesper died, her betrayal had made the pain slightly less, though he had spent far too much time wondering what had made her old lover so much better than him that she would remain devoted for such a long time. This pain over M was not lessening over time. If he could just stop thinking about her, but that never seemed to happen. Even in his sleep he dreamed of her.

He’d sent Kincaid home for the afternoon as he waited for Tanner. He’d prepared one of the spare bedrooms for him. Most of the work so far had been on the downstairs so he’d had to work quickly since he’d only previously prepared his own room. 

James hated waiting today. In his line of work he’d learned to be patient. Once he’d sat in almost the same position for 10 hours to wait for a mark. But back then he’d been able to turn his mind off. Now any downtime brought thoughts of her. His dreams were filled with the sound of her voice, he awoke either in a sweat or sobbing. He was beginning to hate himself. When he’d returned from Turkey he recalled that he’d been surprised at the intensity of his feelings for her. Now he realized his love for her ran far deeper than he’d previously thought.

Through the window he finally saw a car coming down the long road to the house. James’ body tensed and he wished he had some sort of weapon on him. Even though he doubted she’d sent Tanner to kill him, he would have liked the old comfort. As the car drew closer he saw there were two occupants. Then he did run up the stairs quickly to grab his Walther. She wouldn’t, his mind told him. But better paranoid than dead.

When he came back downstairs, the car was stopping in front of the house. He peered out the window and for a moment his jaw dropped open. The other passenger was unexpected.

Tanner got out and came around to open the car door for M. James watched from the shadow next to the window and cursed himself for how seeing her immediately made his blood boil, just not in the anger he wanted to feel.

She looked beautiful. She had on a red felt coat and matching cap. Red really was her color. He wanted to go to her and take her in his arms again. But he shut that feeling down. Three months with no word after such coldness toward him, she’d made herself very clear about how she felt about him. Still, James felt the ache for her through his entire body to his soul, if he even still had such a thing.

Finally, James opened the front door. He looked at both Tanner and M neutrally. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing how just seeing her affected him. He didn't ask either why Tanner hadn't told him that M would be accompanying him. He did walk over to give Tanner a hand with the two bags he pulled from the boot of his car.

Once they entered the foyer of the house and James shut the door he immediately thought of the problem this surprise presented.

"I only have two bedrooms finished," he informed them.

Tanner looked at M and, as if that was her cue, M finally spoke.

"All things considered, I don't see why you and I can't share a room," she stated matter-of-factly before walking toward the stairs. 

James gaped after her before casting a sidelong glance at Tanner who was looking anywhere but at the two of them, the look on his face the one of the proverbial cat with the canary caught firmly in its mouth.

"Of course, I already told him," M answered James' unanswered question. "How do you think I got him to agree to this trip?"

She was at the top of the stairs now and she turned to look back at them. She raised an eyebrow in challenge and James had to take a deep breath to keep it from affecting him visibly and embarrassingly.

He took her case and had Tanner follow him upstairs. He showed Tanner to his room, then led M further down the hall to his room. 

He wanted to ask her why she was here, but he kept silent on that.

"I have some soup ready," he said, instead.

”Good,” she said, looking around the room.

Her manner was in no way romantic or soft. James felt she was doing it intentionally to keep him off balance. It was working.

”I should like to freshen up a bit before I eat,” she said.

James showed her the bathroom down the hall and only then remembered to take her coat. His hands trembled slightly as he tried to remove the garment from her shoulders without actually touching her. He was certain that would be his downfall.

He returned her coat to the bedroom and went to Tanner’s room to show him down to the dining room. He brought out an extra place setting for M before the two of them sat down to wait for her.

Tanner was silent, but that didn’t surprise James at all. Or maybe it did. After their last conversation James thought Bill would certainly have questions for him at least. He must wonder if James was just playing their boss.

For once, James could not take the silence. Besides, maybe Tanner could give him some insight into why M had decided to come visit him.

”She told you,” he stated.

Tanner nodded but said nothing.

”How much?”

Tanner shrugged.

”Obviously enough that I didn’t blink when she suggested she could sleep in your room with you.”

James took a slow breath and forced the images of being in bed with M from his mind.

There was a very awkward silence between them for a moment before Bond tried the straight-forward approach that usually got him into more trouble than he intended.

"Why are the two of you here?" he asked.

"I think she wants to offer you a job," Tanner replied.

"I have a job," James said, cautiously.

"Well, technically," Tanner said. "But I don't think you'll be a 00 under the new M for long."

For a moment James was speechless. Olivia had never told him she was no longer M. For some reason he thought she'd have called him back to at least meet the new M. Then, another thought went through his mind. It had been three months since she'd sent him away. Maybe this visit wasn't a coincidence, but was timed to remind him of his transgressions in Turkey. 

James shook himself mentally. Trying to figure out what mind-game M was playing with him was always an exercise in futility.

"Who's the new M?" he asked.

"Mallory," Tanner stated bluntly.

"He any good?" James asked.

"I wouldn't know," Tanner said. "I left when she did."

James nodded. It was what he'd suspected would happen. And, now that they were having this conversation, he suspected Tanner was right. He wouldn't much like an MI6 without her. But he wasn't ready to say that aloud yet.

"What sort of job can she offer me?" he asked, trying not to sound interested.

"We are getting into security," Tanner told him.

James rolled his eyes.

"What else could you do, I suppose?" he quipped.

"It's very high-level," Tanner said. "I think we'll probably have young Q with us soon."

That didn't thrill James and he made sure his body language said so.

"Why would he want to leave MI6?" James asked. "It's a fairly nice job for someone so young."

"Yes, well, there are changes coming," Tanner told him. "I don't suppose you've caught the news lately?"

James shook his head. He'd tried to keep up at the beginning, but too many stories made him curious about what was going on behind the scenes so now he stuck with the local gossip.

"There's a merger of sorts in the works," Tanner said. "MI5 & 6."

James snorted.

"What? Who's hair-brained idea is that?" he asked.

"It's complicated," Tanner began to explain.

James heard the door to his room open and was immediately distracted, despite his curiosity. He excused himself and left the room to meet M and show her the way to the dining room. He froze when he saw her. He wanted to curse, wanted to be so angry at her. Instead he forced himself to give her a neutral look as she came down the stairs dressed in the same clothing she had that morning at breakfast, that morning he tried very hard not to think about.

She didn't smile at him as she had that day. She was just as cold and aloof as she was at work. He led her into the dining room without a word. He brought the soup and a warm loaf of bread from the kitchen and they began to eat as M and Tanner explained their plans. As they finished, M turned to him expectantly. He'd known she'd want an answer to her offer, but James wasn't ready to make it.

"I'll have to consider it," James told her.

"So, 'no,'" she said.

"How do you mean?" he asked.

"James, you never take time to consider any decision," she explained. "You make all your decisions in an instant, regardless the consequences."

Next to her, Tanner cleared his throat.

"Well, I'll just take my leave and get a bit of rest," he told them.

M's lips quirked up slightly in amusement, but James was caught a bit off-guard at this change in dynamic between the two of them. If this had been a conversation at MI6, Tanner would have simply sat and not moved until M had dismissed him.

"Thanks for the lunch, it was really delicious, James," he said as he stood.

James watched him leave and turned back to M was was watching him.

She was right, he knew. He was impulsive. He did make decisions seemingly on the fly. But she was wrong to think he didn't consider the consequences. Now, though, he wasn't sure how to move the conversation forward so he waited for her.

Finally, she shook her head slightly.

"Why don't we clean up this," she waved her hand to indicate the lunch dishes. "Then you can give me a tour of your home and the grounds."

James nodded and stood to clear the dishes.

It took no time at all since James had already installed a dishwasher in the kitchen. 

"Right, well, why don't I show you the grounds before it gets dark?" he said, then he ran up the stairs to retrieve her coat and hat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was getting long and I decided to end it here. Like I said, I hope to finish it up during the school break.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and M have a talk, the unfinished one from Skyfall that I have always longed to have finished. Damn Silva.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I was in the middle of writing this I was listening to Superman by Rachel Platten. I thought the lyrics went well, only, I suppose, it should be "superwoman." :)
> 
> Note: some lines are directly from Skyfall.

If I could break away   
half of all your pain  
I'd take the worst of it and carry you like you carry me  
You say that you're alright   
when tears are in your eyes  
We're strong enough for this and I need you  
It's okay that you need me  
So put your armor on the ground tonight  
'Cause everyone's got to come down sometime

* * *

 

M and James wandered silently through the hills surrounding the house. James wasn't sure what to say to her, so they walked in silence. M didn't ask any questions so James led her to some of the better views. Eventually they ended up by the pond and James showed her the door for the priest hole and finally spoke when he explained that the other end opened into the kitchen. He suppressed a shiver as he thought of the nights he'd spent there after his parents died. He hadn't been in the hole since he'd returned.

He guided M up to the chapel, another place he hadn't been since his return. It seemed something he should show her, however; so he opened the door and held it for her following her in.

The room was wrecked, the years and vandals not leaving it in good condition.

"Were your parents married here?" M's voice seemed colder in here, but maybe that was just because he was feeling her rebuff from earlier.

"Yes," he answered.

"How old were you when they died?"  M asked.

"You know the answer to that," he replied, his voice sounding as dead as he felt thinking about it. "You know the whole story."

"Orphans always make the best recruits," she said and wandered toward the front of the kirk, taking a seat in the front pew.

James saw her wince as she sat and realized he'd probably taxed her on their walk. M wasn't unfit, but walking the hills in Scotland was entirely different than walking on a treadmill in London.

James slowly walked toward the front of the church to stand nearby. He heard her sigh and turned to her as she spoke.

"I really fucked this up, didn't I?" she said.

He stared at her for a moment before replying.

"You were doing your job," he told her.

She shook her head.

"You don't believe that," she said. "Or am I to believe that you somehow recently remembered how to follow orders?"

James wasn't entirely certain what she was saying so he waited.

"I can't recall the last time you actually obeyed me so thoroughly as you have these past three months," she said.

He had to admit that, under normal circumstances, he would have probably showed up at MI6 a week after she'd dismissed him.

"I've compromised you," she said.

James watched as M closed her eyes and took a deep breath to compose herself. 

"A person in my position doesn't have the luxury of doing what they want, of thinking of themselves," she continued. "And now we have the perfect example of why."

She shook her head again before continuing.

"I used you," she said. Her voice was firm, but James thought he heard a crack. That might have been wishful thinking on his part, though.

"I just wanted to feel something besides fear," she said, her voice trailing off to a whisper. "I was so afraid. I've never been so afraid."

James recalled that night he returned and was waiting for her in her flat. When she'd heard him, she'd turned and the look of fear on her face...James had forced himself to forget about that.

"I thought it was him that night, that he had finally come for me," she said as if she'd read his thoughts.

James waited but she was silent and he found that he needed her to continue to speak, to explain everything to him. He especially needed to know if she suspected what Silva had planned for her. James had an idea from his time with the crazed man, but he didn't want to say it aloud. To give voice to those words would make it too real.

She was shaking her head again, and James wished she'd stop. It made him more terrified than anything ever had. It was as if she was giving up. Their presence in the chapel making her words seem like a final confession.

"I should have demanded proof," she said, her voice still hushed. "When they told me he was dead, I should have demanded the body or some definitive proof. I was just so glad it was over, that he was dead, that I wouldn't have to think of him again."

She was quiet again and stared up at the broken altar. She seemed lost in her thoughts and James tried to not think of worst case scenarios about where this conversation was headed and what effect it would have on their relationship.

"Now, look at what that brought," she said. "All those people, so many more than we will probably ever know, dead, because of me."

"It's not your fault," James broke in. "Silva made his own decision, you are not to blame for what he's done. You were asked to start a relationship with him, you did what you were asked, without any training whatsoever. You cannot blame yourself for that."

James had hoped to break her out of her reverie. His voice grew harder and more demanding as he reprimanded her. She would start a fight with him, she would get that spark she always had back and she wouldn't sound as if she had given up on everything in life.

But she only turned a sad look toward him.

In a moment she spoke.

"I used you," she said. "And it turned you into a killer."

James gave her a confused look. He'd always been a killer. Hell, before his first kill he'd probably been a killer. It had been far too easy for him to quiet his conscience.

"You killed Silva for personal reasons," she explained. "There was no need to kill him and you know it. That's what my moment of weakness created."

 James finally moved toward her. This was something he could easily answer.

He knelt before her and took her hands in his, noting how cold they had become. He rubbed her fingers to warm them.

"I killed Silva before I met him," James said. "That decision was made when I saw the explosion, when I'd thought you might have died. Just as I had made the decision to kill Mitchell before I had taken a step toward him in chase."

He brought her fingers to his mouth and breathed on them to hurry along their warmth.

"When Silva and Mitchell made an attempt on your life, they signed their own death warrants. And if I ever find White, he'll be lucky if I feel it expedient to simply put a bullet through his head as I did with Mitchell and Silva."

"James, you mustn't speak like that," she said.

"It's the truth, though," he said. "I didn't realize it with Mitchell. I thought it might be the adrenaline or the desperation of the situation, kill or be killed."

James continued to warm M's hands as he considered his next words. He thought he should be more upset at the idea that she had used him, but he found he wasn't at all. If she had told him that morning, he realized he still would have taken her to bed and made love to her. Maybe if he had known, though, it would have made her rebuff hurt him less.

However, he knew he could not work with her. He couldn't return to London and see her day in and day out now that he'd given her that. It would interfere, just not in the way she thought it had with Silva. He would be distracted and probably angry eventually just from the frustration of having had a taste and now being denied.

The decision made he looked up at her. He couldn't tell what she was thinking, but he was used to that by now.

He lifted a hand to her face and caressed her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"I love you," he told her.

All his thoughts were behind those words and he could now see that she understood them. She gave him a sad look then nodded.

"I know," she said.

James got up to sit beside her on the bench then leaned in to kiss her gently on the lips. He didn't attempt to take it any deeper but allowed himself the comfort of the fact that she did not push him away but instead returned the kiss. He wondered if later she would allow him one more chance to make love to her.

When they pulled apart he wrapped his arms around her and they sat that way for a while.

Eventually, M shifted and reached into her pocket. James was surprised at what she pulled out. It was the letter he'd left for her after they'd made love all those months ago.

"I've read this every day," she said, as she pulled the letter from the envelope and unfolded it carefully.

It looked worn and James was wont to hope that she'd read it more than once a day.

"I dare say I still don't understand," she said. "But I do know. And I do believe you."

"You don't understand that you have all the qualities I've wanted in a woman?" he asked quietly and took up one of her hands to his lips and kissed her fingers to warm them again as he spoke.

"Your strength, your loyalty, your independence, your utter fierceness that terrifies all of us, your ability to read any situation and any man, especially the way you know me and can get into my head."

He watched her as he repeated many of the same things he'd written in the letter. Her eyes scanned the page as he spoke and, though she had said she believed him, he could see that she could not cross that barrier she had erected between her duty and her own pleasure again. She'd done it once and that was more than she'd ever wanted to allow herself.

He'd written about her sense of duty in the letter. It was, after all, one of the things he loved about her. He'd never considered that duty, as well as all these traits that made her so desirable to him, would be what kept them apart.

But he wouldn't fight her over it. Despite the way he felt, or perhaps because of it, he wouldn't try to force her. She apparently already felt guilty enough about the pleasure she'd allowed herself.

However, she was sharing a room with him and he wasn't above taking advantage of that for one night. He leaned in close to her and pressed his lips against her forehead, then slowly moved toward his lips. Her breathing was becoming unsteady and James wondered how Tanner was going to feel about them not showing up for tea later since James wanted nothing more than to take her back to the bedroom right now.

He rested his hand on her knee then slowly began to slide it up under her jacket.

"Hello?" Tanner's voice brake through the moment from outside the kirk. "James, are you in there?"

"Well, at least he had the decency to let us know he was coming in," James muttered.

"He's probably afraid you'd shoot him if he surprised you," M said with a slight smile.

She was pulling away from him and folding up the letter. Her demeanor slipped quickly from lover to woman in charge and James tried to ignore the pain it caused this time.

"Sorry to interrupt," Tanner said as he entered the chapel. "Q's called twice though and I thought you'd like to know that there was a bite on the information we sent out."

M was immediately on her feet and moving toward Tanner.

"What else did he say?" she asked, all business now.

"That he handed in his resignation effective immediately this morning," Tanner replied.

M nodded and lead Tanner out of the chapel.

James turned away from the door. Then he leaned back in the pew and willed his heart not to break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter just would not end so I ended it myself. Also, these two are just coming up with excuse after excuse to be kept apart. I have no idea but at this point, it's just growing and growing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changing POV because I love it when Tanner ships it. :)

Bill Tanner watched as Olivia, it still felt strange to call her that, worked at the makeshift command center he’d set up in his room at James’ home. He’d always been a bit in awe of her. Honestly, more than a bit. She was terrifyingly focused and more dedicated to her work than any other superior he’d had as he worked his way up in MI6 to become her chief of staff.

Once he’d updated her on the information from Q, she had contacted the tech wiz to arrange their next steps. Then she’d called Colleen, the woman formerly known as agent 004. Colleen, like Bill, had left at the transition and had offered to work with Olivia on her future endeavors when she’d resigned MI6. When Bill had asked her how she’d known their boss wasn’t simply retiring, 004 had smiled and laughed as if she and Olivia had some sort of inside joke. He realized then that he was not the only one unsurprised that their boss had no intention of ever retiring.

"I'm afraid you'll be going in alone on this, Colleen," Olivia said.

Then she shook her head at Colleen's response.

"No, we were unable to interest him," she explained.

She waited a moment as she listened.

"I'm not entirely sure, he just isn't interested in our offer," she repeated.

Tanner tried to notice if there was any change in his boss as she discussed James' decision. If there was, it was only slight, and it was probably inferred by himself alone.

"Yes, and please keep up with Tanner and myself," she said. "I want to make sure you have all you need. Q will have everything for your trip in the morning, and Tanner and I will be back in London by tomorrow afternoon."

Another pause as Colleen spoke.

"Thank you, and good luck."

Olivia disconnected the call and leaned back in her chair. Bill could tell she was at least concerned about Colleen going this alone. When she'd been a 00, the woman would have gone on assignments alone all the time, but since Silva, Bill had noted a change in the way Olivia assigned her agents. With the exception of James, she'd doubled back up for each one. This would be their first "job" since her forced retirement and he was certain Olivia had planned on James joining them.

He was silent, though, as she worked through this change in plans. When she stood and began to excuse herself Tanner decided to take a chance on what he had been thinking while she and James were out on their walk.

Bill had been fairly certain that this visit was not only due to her desire to recruit Bond. If it had been only that, he knew she wouldn't have insisted on coming along with him. But now it seemed that they were neither going to be able to recruit the agent, nor was there going to be any sort of reconciliation between the two of them.

Tanner recalled their conversation a few days previous,

_"I think I should join you when you go up to see Bond," she'd suggested._

_"Don't think he'll listen to just me?" Bill had joked, and that had taken a bit of getting used to as well._

_"I might be able to persuade him a little more easily," she replied._

_Bill knew that neither of them had had good words with James the last time they saw him, but James seemed intent on avoiding her first and foremost. Bill wondered if James was even aware that Olivia was no longer with Six._

_"How do you propose?" he asked._

_Olivia had taken a deep breath and Bill prepared himself for something huge, but there had been no way he could have imagined what she was about to tell him._

_"Before James went after Silva he and I had a...," she paused and Bill tried to think of anything he'd noticed between them before James had left for his last assignment._

_She took another deep breath and let this one out slowly and then Bill's mind began to surmise something entirely surprising. It was an impropriety he would never have expected of her._

_"You and James were involved romantically," he offered when it became obvious she didn't truly want to share.  
_

_Olivia nodded._

_"Yes," she replied. "Intimately."_

_"What happened?" Bill asked._

_"When James returned he spent the night at my flat that first night," she explained. "When he called you he'd already been back in country for 24 hours."_

_"He contacted you?" Bill asked._

_This entire thing was so unlike Olivia. Per protocols, she should have contacted Six as soon as she'd heard from James._

_"He was in my flat, waiting when I arrived home," she said._

_Bill didn't even know how to respond. James had been in her flat and she invited him to stay._

_"How long had you two been involved?" he asked._

_"Only that one time," she said._

_Bill was silent as he thought through what she'd told him. This went against Olivia's nature so greatly; however, Bill had to acknowledge that she had been under great duress at that time. James had called Bill the day after the funerals so maybe Olivia just needed someone and James had been a willing body. Now, that, Bill could imagine. Not only because Olivia would be, well, in Bill's opinion, every straight man's fantasy, but he had an inkling that James had more than professional ideas when it came to their boss._

Now, Bill felt he needed to say something because Olivia was much too stubborn.

"You can have both now, you know," he said.

Olivia closed her eyes briefly and Bill knew she understood what he was saying.

She shook her head.

"James is too close, too emotionally invested," she said. "I see now it was foolish to even think of him working for us."

“Is this because he killed Silva without authorization?” Bill asked.

She nodded.

”And Mitchell,” she added.

”Mitchell?” Bill was surprised. “That was several years ago.”

”Yes, well he has apparently had these feelings for some time.”

Bill considered those new facts for a moment. 

“And how long have you harbored feelings for him?” Bill asked.

Olivia straightened slightly, but enough to let Bill know she was now defensive.

”If you must know, I was only using him,” she retorted.

Bill allowed a smile to play about his lips. If this had been Six, that would be dangerous. But they were no longer with Six and he knew Olivia well enough now to know when she was lying outright.

”Bullshit,” he said.

She gave him a sharp look and a scowl, but Bill only shook his head.

“Look, I admit I was shocked that you’d slept with him but that’s only because you were still with Six,” he explained. “I don’t think either of you did it on impulse.”

She turned away from him and stared at the door. She didn’t seem poised to bolt, but she wouldn’t. She’d hold her head high and walk out of the room like a queen. That was Olivia’s style.

”You told me it had been the next morning,” he continued. “That doesn’t sound like you didn’t have time to think about it.”

He stopped a moment before deciding against wisdom and continuing with what he thought might be his coup d'etat.

”And, of course, there’s the letter.”

Olivia’s hand immediately went to her pocket. 

Before she’d told him about it in their conversation, he’d noticed she’d put her hand in her pocket far more often than she used to. She really wasn’t a pocket person that way. It was too relaxed and casual for her. She only put her hands in her pockets if she was upset, and then it was both hands. For months she hand casually slipped her hand in her jacket or sweater pocket. If she took either off, he noticed she would slip something into her pants pocket. 

Finally, she lowered her head.

”I don’t know what to do, Bill,” she lamented. “I’m no good at this. Romance has never been anything that interested me.”

Bill winced as he thought back to her near non-relationship with her late husband. Arthur was a good enough chap, but Olivia had told him after Arthur’s death that marriage and civil service didn’t mix. Arthur and she had stayed together for appearances only. She’d allowed him his indiscretions so long as the woman was vetted first. Bill had been shocked, but only at her frankness with him. They didn't hate each other but it just wasn't what one pictured when one saw a marriage of nearly 50 years.

She had rarely strayed, she’d told him, and when he’d asked about Silva after they'd left Six, she only said that it wasn't her choice. Bill was not sure how to interpret it, but considering what the man had done after he'd escaped China, Bill wasn't going to ask for clarification. What had happened to Olivia was horrible and that was enough for him to know.

She sat down on the bed next to him and pulled the letter out of her pocket. It was well worn so Bill knew it meant a great deal to her.

"I suppose neither of us buys into the 'do what your heart tells you' idea," he joked.

That got a small smile from her.

"Ma'am, you know how he feels," Bill began. "I'm assuming you told him you didn't have the same feelings."

"I told him I'd used him for comfort," she said.

Bill nodded.

"Do you think he believes you?"

Olivia shook her head.

Bill stood and walked to the window. From his room he could see up to the chapel and watched as James was finally returning to the house. While the man didn't look moribund, Bill could tell James wasn't happy with the outcome of his conversation with Olivia.

His eyes drifted to the landscape around James' home and he started to formulate a plan.

"You know, this is a very good location," he commented. "It would be easy to set up security perimeters. An outbuilding could be built to house a security detail."

He turned back to Olivia who was giving him an interested but guarded look.

"Considering some of our plans, it might not be a bad idea to have a place like this," he continued.

"Are you going to make James on offer on his ancestral home?" Olivia asked, but Bill could tell she knew where he was taking this conversation.

"Up here, it's private enough that no one would know," he said.

"Except the security detail," she quipped.

Bill rolled his eyes at her and it earned him a half-hearted glare. He had to admit he was pleased at how well the two of them had transitioned from Six into this more personal relationship they had for work.

"You mean to tell me that two people who kept hundreds of secrets from those around them for nearly a collective seventy years could not keep a relationship secret from a couple guards who rarely enter the house?"

Olivia sighed then gave him a sad smile.

"I don't think that's what James wants," she remarked.

Bill returned to the bed to sit next to her.

"If I was James, I'd take you anyway I could."

Olivia raised an eyebrow at him and Bill noticed what he'd actually said.

"Uh," he started in a panic, trying to come up with a way to backtrack.

Fortunately, Olivia began to laugh.

"Well, not exactly what you meant to say, I'm sure, but an apt description of James, none-the-less," she said.

With that she stood and smiled down at him.

"Thank you, Bill," she said.

Bill wasn't sure exactly what she was thanking him for and it must have been apparent on his face.

"Thank you for following me into this venture and thank you for being a very good friend," she explained.

Bill stood and gave her a smile that conveyed his pride at her statement then shook her hand.

"It is my pleasure, Olivia."

"I supposed we should see about tea," Olivia said as she released his hand and turned toward the door.

Bill followed her out and only hoped that somehow he could make one of them see reason.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Tanner return to London and leave James with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last chapter. But it refused to end. So, I'll post the actual last chapter in a moment or two.

James stared out the window of his bedroom as he watched Tanner drive away. His emotions were mixed. So much of him had wanted to tell Olivia he’d go with her, but he had more reasons not to. At the moment, those reasons seemed weak.

Last night had been…James sighed and turned back to look at the bed. The sheets were a shamble, just as he’d left her guest room the first time, the only time before last night, that they’d made love. He wondered if she’d been as hesitant to fix the mess as he was right now.

Finally, he had to turn away and leave the room. He was certain he could still smell her, and it was driving him to distraction.

Downstairs, though, he found no relief. He tried to get to work as he had before Tanner and Olivia had arrived, but he couldn’t get his mind to focus long enough. He gave up and decided to go for a walk. He headed toward Kincaid’s for no other reason than he hadn’t walked that way with Olivia the previous day.

The dogs ran to greet him, and Kincaid waited for him on the porch.

“Well, lad, your guests have gone home?” he asked.

James nodded as he took the steps up to the house.

They settled into the kitchen where the stove allowed for better heat. The room was comfortable and the two sat at the table and drank coffee.

“So, your friend brought his mum, did he?” Kincaid asked.

James gave him a confused look before he realized that, of course, Kincaid would have seen Olivia from his house as James had taken her around the surrounding hills.

“Not exactly,” James said.

They were silent for a few moments before Kincaid spoke again, this time hesitantly.

“Well, she was certainly a, uh, an attractive woman,” he said.

James stared at him.

“Were you spying?” he asked, incredulously.

“Well, you seemed out of sorts about the visit, so I just kept an eye on things the way I always have,” Kincaid defended himself.

James chuckled.

“That’s alright, old man,” he said.

Kincaid glared at him for the phrase.

“So, she’s not his mum, and, well, to be honest, I only saw you around with her,” Kincaid was fishing for information, James could tell.

He paused as if waiting for James to say something, but when he was silent, Kincaid continued.

“I’d kinda hoped you’d bring her down for a visit,” he said.

James thought a moment.

“Well, I considered it, but now that I know how you feel about things, I think I’d rather like to keep her away from you,” he said and put his cup to his lips to hide his smirk.

“What do you mean by that, lad?” he said. “I’m not that awful of a person.”

Kincaid folded his arms across his chest as if in challenge.

James chuckled.

“No, no, you’re a fine man,” he said. “Let’s just say, I don’t like competition.”

Kincaid looked at him while he processed that information. James just gave him a knowing smile as he watched his friend realize exactly what he was saying.

“Oh, so you,” he pointed at James and paused.

“I mean, but she’s,” he stopped again.

This time James laughed, and Kincaid gave him a dirty look.

“Are you playing at me lad?” he asked.

"No, not at all,” James said.

“So, the two of you are together?” Kincaid asked.

James sighed sadly.

“It’s complicated,” he said, realizing he should have just let the proverbial sleeping dogs lay.

“She’s the reason you ran to hide up here,” Kincaid quickly concluded.

James looked at him in surprise.

“I wondered if it wasn’t a woman,” Kincaid explained. “It’s been a lifetime since you set foot on this soil.”

Kincaid picked up the pot and refilled their cups with coffee.

“I knew something very terrible must have happened,” he continued. “Here you are, for one. Then there was the furious way you worked, and the way certain things would seem to set you off and you’d take off for hours like you did as a lad when something would upset you.”

James stared at him silently, and Kincaid waited.

Sighing, James finally decided he’d just spill it all. He probably wanted to after all. Kincaid had accepted him back without question, that probably made it easier for James to trust him.

“I love her,” he said.

No use lying about it.

“I’ve loved her for so long,” James said. “I just only realized it recently. Then I went and mucked everything up.”

“You cheat?” Kincaid asked.

Of course, that’d be the first thing a person would think.

James shook his head.

“I did something she didn’t want me to do,” James said, knowing that would sound lame.

And it did, if Kincaid’s look was anything to go by.

“I worked for her,” he said. “She was my boss.”

James wasn’t sure how much to tell Kincaid. But the man was silent, not asking the question of what sort of business they were in so James ventured some of the truth.

“She was head of MI6,” he said.

Kincaid’s mouth dropped open and James smiled at the reaction. He supposed no one would suspect it looking at her.

“You had an affair with the head of MI6?” Kincaid’s question was in a surprised whisper, as if someone might be listening in on their conversation.

James only nodded. It was the best he could give Kincaid.

“Doesn’t sound like the type of woman you want to make angry,” he said.

“She suspended me,” James said. “And I came up here.”

“Were you waiting for her to come to you?” Kincaid asked.

“She was supposed to call me back,” he said. “But she didn’t.”

“She did come up, though,” Kincaid pointed out.

James nodded.

“She wanted me to come back,” he said.

“Will you?” Kincaid asked.

“I don’t know if I can,” James said. “I don’t want to go back and have to pretend that nothing ever happened between us.”

“Is that what she asked for?”

“It seemed like it,” James said.

He felt his lips form into a pout, but he didn’t care. It still hurt to think she would not continue their relationship on the off chance someone would find out.

“Did you ask?”

“I told you, it’s complicated,” James said.

“Can you live without her?”

Kincaid’s question surprised him.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe a better question would be, do you want to live without her?”

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” James groused.

“Don’t you?”

The look Kincaid gave him told James he already had the answer. But James didn’t like his answer.

“Lad, sometimes you have to make compromises,” he said.

“This wouldn’t be a compromise,” James rebutted.

Kincaid sighed.

“You love her,” Kincaid said. “If you do, you must understand her, right?”

James wanted to tell him that, of course, he understood her, but that didn’t mean this made any sense to him. But he realized that it did, indeed, make sense to him. There were so many ways a relationship could blow up in her face.

He knew from his conversations with Tanner that Olivia left MI6 under less than ideal circumstances. James also learned that even before he had returned from his earlier self-imposed exile that the committee had already been trying to force her out. She’d lost the hard drive and two agents all on the same day. It hadn’t set well with the powers-that-be.

Now, if it was discovered that, before she sent him after Silva, they had become lovers, everything she’d ever done would come under scrutiny, especially given the fact that apparently her successor already thought her soft on him.

Did James really understand? Faced with trying to explain it to another, he realized that, while he did have a general understanding, he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it.

“Which is worse,” Kincaid continued. “Being here, away from her? Or being near her, but not getting your way?”

James raised his brows at that question.

Kincaid only gave him a knowing look.

“How’d you get so smart about relationships?” James finally asked.

“I was married a few years,” Kincaid said. “A smart man learns about that sort of thing quickly, if he cares anything for himself.”

Kincaid winked at him and reached for the coffee pot again.

“No thanks,” James said.

Kincaid poured himself a cup and drank it while James thought through his situation.

Was this just about what he wanted? Is that what was making it so hard? If it was, did he really love Olivia as much as he thought?

“Not to sound entirely selfish, but what about me?” he asked Kincaid.

“I thought we were talking about you,” Kincaid replied.

“Really, because it sounded like you were asking about her, and her risks in all of this,” James said.

“Lad, I told you at the beginning that I figured this must have been about a woman when you got here,” Kincaid reminded him.

“You seem to be pretty miserable without her,” he continued. “So miserable that you came up here to make yourself more miserable just so you wouldn’t have to think about how miserable you were.”

James narrowed his eyes.

“Amazingly circular logic you have there,” James smirked.

“I was just trying to get your attention,” Kincaid laughed.

They were silent for a while again before James excused himself to return home.

He thanked him for the coffee and for the conversation.

Back at the house, James got the fire in the half-finished study going high. He sat on the lone sofa in the room and stared at the flames. He felt himself grow groggy. Unsurprising considering the lack of sleep he’d had the previous night. He wondered if Olivia had fallen asleep on the drive back to London, then he lay down to rest.

James had never cared for dreams. His dreams usually woke him in the night and made it difficult to get back to sleep. He’s seen, and done, so many terrible things in his life that his subconscious seemed to enjoy haunting him when his mind shut off.

This day he dreamed of Silva. He’d allowed himself to be captured, hoping to be followed soon. But it had taken longer than he’d have liked. They were in that vast hall and Silva was kneeling before him, touching him, and talking about Olivia.

“Mummy’s been bad,” he said and started laughing at James.

"Do you think you can protect her from me? Do you think that just because you love her, I won’t find her and do what I want to her?”

James heart was racing. His mind told him he was dreaming. The words were not the one’s Silva had said, they were the way James had interpreted the man’s words.

Then they were in the rubble of a courtyard and James panicked when he saw Olivia tied up.

“Your lovers are here,” Silva said to her then he began to kiss her.

Somehow a gun materialized in his hand and he tried to shoot Silva, but the gun wouldn’t fire. Silva turned and laughed at him as he began to undress Olivia. James was frozen in his dream state and, though he tried to move his feet, they were leaden.

Somewhere there was a loud noise and James woke with a start. He heard someone out in the foyer and he looked frantically for his gun.

“It’s just me, lad,” came Kincaid’s voice.

He came to the door of the study and James could only stare as he tried to calm down from his dream.

“I was worried when I looked over at nightfall and didn’t see any smoke from a chimney,” Kincaid explained.

James looked at the fire and saw it had indeed died. The room was mostly dark, the only light spilling in through the doorway.

“I guess I must have slept all afternoon,” James said absently, his mind still buzzing with images of Silva touching Olivia.

“I’ll get some supper on for you,” Kincaid said and turned to walk toward the kitchen.

James restarted the fire then joined Kincaid.

They worked silently preparing some meat and vegetables and bread. James insisted that Kincaid stay and eat, but that was done in silence as well. When they were done, they returned to the study and James stoked the fire.

He stared at the flames as they grew before he spoke.

“I can’t live without her,” James said.

Kincaid did not reply.

“You’re right, I’m far more miserable here without her, than I’d be there with her,” he said, then he joined Kincaid on the sofa.

“What will you do?” Kincaid asked.

“I don’t know,” James admitted.

“It’s complicated,” Kincaid said.

James shot a dirty look at him.

“Yes, it’s that,” he mumbled.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, this is definitely NSFW.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I continued writing the last chapter, I assumed the story had gone on because Olivia wanted the last word. I was surprised, then, when she didn't get it. ;)

Olivia sat in the dark of her living room listening carefully as someone worked to override the security system at her back door. She wasn’t worried. She was fairly certain she knew the perpetrator.

Tanner had emailed her that James had called to ask for her. She and Tanner had already determined what to do when that happened, and she’d known it was when, not if. So, Tanner had told James she was out of country, and Olivia sat at home, waiting as silently as she could.

He mustn’t have been nearby, because it had been four hours since he’d called. Or maybe he was just waiting for nightfall. Either way, Olivia had become impatient. She’d expected him days ago. She wondered if he had waited in order to intentionally rile her up.

Finally, the door opened, and Olivia held her breath. She watched as James walked into the darkened room then she switched on the lamp on the table next to her.

James started and went for his gun before he registered her.

“Jesus, woman, what the hell are you doing here?”

Olivia gave him the most incredulous look she could muster.

“I believe you have the backwards, Bond,” she retorted. “What the hell are doing here? And why are you so bloody late?”

James looked confused and Olivia tried not to laugh.

“I expected you days ago,” she said.

“I, uh, you did?” he asked.

Olivia gave him a knowing look and watched as it dawned on James that, of course, she would have known.

“It’s rather disconcerting how well you know me,” James said.

They stared at each other across the short space, neither moving. Olivia wondered if it wasn’t because, really, she hadn’t thought much further than this. She knew he’d be back, but with the way James had behaved at Skyfall, she hadn’t known if he would only be here to try to convince her to continue their relationship, or if he’d come back to work for her. Or, more likely, both.

This was foreign ground to Olivia, and it made her nervous. A forced affair with an underling was one thing, falling in love with one of her agents was something else entirely.

Finally, James broke the silence.

“I don’t want to live without you,” he said. “So, whatever it is you need me to do, I will do that.”

Olivia was glad for the years she’d spent concealing her feelings due to work. Nothing could have surprised her more than his words. This wasn’t like James at all. James was more like he’d been their night together at Skyfall, pressuring and persuading her, though he didn’t have to try hard, to get her into his bed.

She recalled, though, that James had waited for her that morning he was here. That was so many months ago and it seemed more like years now.

“You’ll come to work with me and not pressure me about our former relationship,” Olivia asked.

She saw the pain in James’ eyes at her use of the term former. But he only nodded.

“It’s worse not to be around you,” he said. “To not hear your voice, to not see you.”

James hadn’t moved from his spot by the door. Even his hands were still as if he was waiting for a command from her to move at all.

Olivia stood and walked toward him. Still, James stood, only breathing and blinking, waiting for her word.

She stopped before him and took one hand in hers. He looked between their joined hands and her face, surprise evident.

“James, I don’t know how to do this,” she said. “I’m not the sort of person who keeps a secret lover.”

She watched as hope blossomed on his face.

He reached up with his free hand to cup her cheek and sighed as she leaned into his touch.

His kiss, when it came, was gentle and searching, waiting for her to respond in order to gauge what his intensity should be. She pressed one hand gently to his chest and ran it over his muscles before she put it around the back of his neck and pulled him in for a deeper kiss.

James responded immediately. Before Olivia could think, his hands were around her hips and he had foisted her up to his level. Her legs went immediately around him and he moaned in approval.

He carried her over to the sofa where he sat and pulled her tightly against him. She could feel his arousal, but she felt she should put a stop to this for a moment.

“James, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to do this here,” she explained as he began to unbutton her blouse.

“Why not?” he asked as he pushed the garment down her arms.

“Well, the lube is upstairs, for one,” she said.

“Is it?” he asked in a distracted tone.

He nipped at her breasts as he reached around to unhook her bra. Pulling back, he grinned lasciviously at her as he revealed them. He licked his lips and tossed the bra away.

He twisted them then lowered her back onto the sofa. When he stood, she expected him to run upstairs, instead her peeled off his shirt and knelt back onto the sofa between her legs to begin opening her pants.

“James, I need.”

“Shh,” he interrupted. “I know exactly what you need.”

He slid her pants and panties down her legs together then leaned over her and began to lick her and suck between her legs.

Olivia didn’t have to be silent as she’d felt the need to be at Skyfall with Tanner in the room across the hall, so she allowed herself to express the pleasure as loudly as she dared, knowing she did have neighbors on either side, after all.

She was slowly losing her mind, she was sure, as James lips and tongue and fingers did amazing things to her sex. But she knew it still wouldn’t be enough. Still, she let him work her until her body responded dramatically.

God, but that man could pull the most intense orgasms from her, she thought.

She came back down from her high as she watched James grinning wickedly at her as he sucked her juices off his fingers.

“James, love,” she said between gasps for breath. “It still won’t be enough.”

“Oh, that wasn’t for you,” he said. “That was just for my selfish pleasure.”

Olivia chuckled.

“Still,” she began again, trying to explain.

James shushed her again and stood to begin removing his pants. As he did so, he reached into his pocket and then pressed something into her hand. She looked in open surprise at the small tube.

He knelt between her legs, naked now, and took the lube from her hand and began to prepare her.

“You aren’t the only one who pays attention,” he said.

“You knew?” she asked.

“I’d hoped,” he replied. “But when I saw you waiting for me, then I knew.”

“James, I.”

He interrupted her with a kiss this time.

“I know,” he said when he ended the kiss.

He fondled her breasts while he watched her face.

“I don’t know how to work this relationship either,” he said. “But I know that whatever little we can have together will be far better than the nothing we had before.”

Olivia raised her brows in surprise. It wasn’t shocking that he would say something so overtly romantic, he was far more a romantic than she’d ever been. But it was still a surprise that he would concede to her needs this way.

She pushed him back, so he was sitting on the sofa, then she straddled his hips.

“I believe you would like this a little better,” she gave him a knowing smirk.

He glanced down at her breasts before he blushed and replied, “Well, I do enjoy the view this way.”

She closed her eyes as she slowly took him inside, taking her time as she adjusted to his girth. His hands were doing marvelous things to her breasts and she was certain she could orgasm again very soon.

It didn’t take long until they were both a panting, sweaty mess in each other’s arms. Olivia reveled in the feel of his arms around her as he stroked her head and her back.

After several minutes she raised her head to look at him.

“I love you,” she said.

James smiled as if she’d given him the only thing he’d ever longed for.

* * *

It was nearly midnight when Olivia left the bath and returned to James, who was now snoring softly in her bed. He’d wanted to join her, but she didn’t trust him that much, she’d told him. She did have to get to work eventually and if she let him in the bath, they’d never sleep. He’d pouted, and she’d laughed at him.

She smiled fondly as she crawled into the bed next to him. How strange it felt, though, to have something like this again. This was not how she’d expected her life after MI6 to be, well, not the young lover, anyway.

She reached for her phone to send a quick email to Bill about the plans he’d spoken of at Skyfall. Bill, however, had already emailed her.

 _‘As I have heard from neither you nor James for some hours, I will assume the plans for Skyfall are a go,’_ Bill had written. _‘I’ll have a rough draft ready for the two of you when you get into the office in the morning.’_

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, this started as a one shot, but then I got to thinking as I wrote and it became a thing. Don't worry, this isn't as agonizingly painful as my other story. :D


End file.
